Thirty- four years ago I found myself desperately seeking an answer to one of life’s most difficult questions. “Why?” I asked it over and over again in my thoughts, prayers, and through tears. “Why did this happen?” I was healthy, not at risk. Our marriage was great. We had moved our blended family into a custom-built home with a pool on a golf course. One day I was thrilled to be at the end of the first trimester of a pregnancy and by that afternoon I was processing the news that the pregnancy was dead. The ultrasound showed no growth, no heartbeat after twelve weeks of happily endured fatigue and morning sickness. I was familiar with the devastating feelings of failure and loss I had experienced during a divorce, but this was my first experience with grief that I did not know how to reconcile. I was not prepared for the ensuing year, during which I would navigate the ambush of triggers. The baby looking at me in in church over her mother’s shoulder, the sweet baby in the drug store, the thoughts of a baby in heaven, looking for a mother and I could not come through. The nagging guilt that I had done something to cause this tragedy…in my past or at present. Eventually, I came to accept that it was mystery, but the subtle longing for an answer remained.
Today I was scheduled to see a new massage client who was 8 weeks pregnant. Excited, I pulled out my prenatal massage guidelines to review proper care and safety, made sure I had a prenatal client intake form. I was good to go. Ready to serve an excited mom to be, listening to her joys, concerns, and discomforts. When I greeted her, she quietly shared, with downcast eyes, that just hours earlier, she had been given the same news I had received so many years ago. From that instant, our time together was blanketed by the Sacred. I was acutely aware that this was not about me…but about being present and nurturing to the temple of her body that housed two sweet and precious souls. As I thought about our encounter and prayed for her, her husband, and the journey they are on together, I realized I had an answer to my own “why?”. The pain and sadness I walked through in my own experience now seem completely worth it. Knowing how God’s loving faithfulness grew my own faith in those days, I am hopeful and pray that she will discover the same blessing.
Do you have a “why?” in your life experience? Perhaps something related to your experience during this pandemic. At the end of this day in June, I stand in awe of God’s goodness and faithfulness and want to extend to you this word of hope. I pray that, someday, on some level, all our “why’s” will be answered. Know, my forends, that nothing is wasted when placed in the hands of a loving God.